Dear old Dad

I was remembering a few things and it got me so mad that I had to write these things down SOMEWHERE. I don't celebrate my father on fathers day. He abandoned me when I was young. Oh he was there once in a while, to be firm and pretend he was a dad. But he would pick us up on Sunday and drop us off at gramma's. who knows where he went.  But before my parents divorced, I witnessed him beat my mother, I saw her puffed out black eye. I saw the blood of a miscarriage. She had several. Many times my mother would hide us up in the attic when he came home drunk. I sat in-between my mother and father in his rambler car (red and white) and hung onto my mother while he tried to push her out of a moving car. My mother found out where his girlfriend lived and brought me and my brother there. Girlfriend was in a bikini in winter making steak. 

This was all before I was 6.

At 7 my parents divorced. My mom had a chance to start over in California but my dad said she could not take us out of state. A few years later he moved to Massachusetts. My father's family (my big and only family) ignored me and my brother growing up. They said my mother was crazy. Yeah, Id be crazy too if my husband brought me to a new country, then went out and never came home, cheated and beat me, several miscarriages so bad I had to have a hysterectomy. Yeah I guess Id be a screaming banshee as well. We barely saw dad after he moved. barely paid my mom. 

Oh so I got married when my daughter was 2 years old. My father would not acknowledge her until my wedding day.  Then a few years later we went to visit him and he brought my daughter to meet his GIRLFRIEND.  While I was with his WIFE and my stepmom Vi.  

These are just a few things about my father the contradicting narcissist. It took me a LONG time to figure out my life and get ok mentally, to live a normal life. So no I do NOT celebrate fathers day. 

My home

 I’ve been single longer than I can remember, and I have long since accepted it, preferred it. But there were times I may have longed for a companion. Such an odd word. I recently spent a winter month in Florida. When I pulled into my driveway the dingy brown and grey yard that welcomed me could not compare to the bold sunny days and skies I had just left. I unpacked. Day after day I got back into my routines. I am currently sitting in front of a roaring fire. Dog sleeping in my lap. This home has been such a comfort to me. First and only owned home. It’s pine walls wrapped their arms around me when we first moved in. I was a bit broken and lost. I used to rent and move literally every 6 months or so. This old house rooted me. My backyard rewarded me with nature and wildlife that  I used to look for in my camping travels. Year after year like a trusted companion this home held me while I faced my troubles. It was my safe place to explore the whys of the past. I enjoyed countless hours of solitude while I found my way. There were also many joys. Reading, cooking, baking and just sitting and observing the birds and the sky and clouds. A couple times determined to move south I thought “I’ll sell…”  I didn’t have the heart to. Our daily connection of good and bad days made this partnership stronger. I may have been single all these years but this home taught me loyalty and nurturing, things I lacked in my young marriages. I thrive alone and I guess that is meant to be but I do have a trusted companion in this old home. 

January 28, 2020

I love how things in my life "evolve". I don't mind telling you things and being completely honest. It helps me. So you know how I want to live like I AM in a cabin in the woods. Secluded is my word for 2020. I love Seclusion. I don't know if its a cop out or what. But it works for me. So, my want of seclusion reminded me of a revelation I had many many years ago and it popped up in my life again. Let me explain: 

I rented a cabin in a State Park for Thanksgiving week. Back around 2008 when I guess I was just realizing I liked to be alone, get away from everyone. The girl at check in said, your cabin is right by the road, would you like something different? We looked at the map, there was a cabin right on the creek, she said NO ONE ELSE IS IN THAT LOOP. The magic words! No electricity, I picked #11. My number. We loved it, relished it! Me and my boys, we sat on the porch it was great. I went inside to fix dinner. By the time I went to take the boys potty one more time I opened the door and thought, someone threw a black tarp over our cabin! Its pitch black! I needed to potty too so we walked to the restrooms. Which by now was a somewhat scary walk. Not only that, it was the 3rd week a 92 year old man was missing in this park. When I got back to the cabin, we locked all the doors and windows and I covered every window with a throw blanket or towel. As I lay in that bed clutching the boys 2 leashes that night scared out of my mind, Thinking that old man is gonna look in my windows, I had a sudden revelation.  You may have 2 dogs with you right now but if you think about it. YOU ARE UTTERLY ALONE! It was big. My mind had lulled me into false sense that I was not really by myself. 

Why did I tell you that story? Because, social media has been doing the same thing to me now. My FB and Instagram and Twitter, especially FB, because I have found old friends from school, work places and new friends I never even met but talk to every day. These many "friends" have lulled me into this false sense that I am not alone in this house. I cried for 3 days over the death of a friend I have never met. I am not saying that is bad. It is wonderful to be in touch with so many people that have been in my life all at once. But I am going to tell you some painful things now too. Social Media has given me some false hope as well. I had given up on relationships ages ago, but..... I am friends with a man that I would love to think there was a possibility. I had hoped. For months I hoped. Boy was I let down. I had finally healed my heart from the past and here I was breaking my own heart again. Because FB had made me hope. That is not the worse. And this I struggled with but don't know how else to handle it. I am not in my grandchildren's lives. But thru social media I am allowed to watch almost daily videos of them! Yes. I was thrilled! I love them so. And then I would cry. It gave me hope. They live in another state. Then in one video I saw that they were literally a couple miles away for a visit. But not with me. I was not in the picture. Have not been for a long time. Reality hit and hurt. Watching videos of grandchildren I will never meet is the most painful thing to me.  I will never be perfect enough for my daughter to acknowledge me, even tho for many many years I have been working on myself, trying to figure out why I do etc etc. but I am perfect enough for me. and I must guard my heart. I must omit the things in my life I cannot change.  I am living a peaceful serene life now. I stopped jumping thru hoops for people many many years ago. 

So those are just a few reasons why I have opted to stay off social media. For now. I need to really FEEL my life and the reality of my life. I live alone with 2 dogs. I do not have 25 friends here in my living room or grandchildren running around. No one is here having morning coffee with me on the weekends. I do not want to feel the falseness of what Social Media gives me. Turning off all the notifications has helped immensely. Actually the first few days as long as there were no notifications, I honestly did not look. 

Its only social media. OH I am on the internet! I research all the time, I listen to podcasts and I read blogs. Many blogs. but I was so out of the loop I did not know Kobe Bryant was passed away until Monday morning. God bless him and the others that died. 

I do love my internet and research. And I am on LinkedIn learning doing a lot of Data Analyst tutorial paths to up my game work wize. Yes I am also a geek and love it. 

Another thing I am doing starting today! I am eating more plant based. I have always leaned that way so we are trying it again. Especially since I am starting my Gardens this year! So, the guy on FB? That didn't feel right. But eating plant based and starting a garden. Those do feel right. And while reading and listening to podcasts I got another bug up my.....bonnet. 

I am going to really do some research on grains. Good grains and recipes. Like Millet, Wheatberry, Buckwheat and Amaranthe…. if I am going to go plant based I think I need to figure them out more. 

No I am not sad. I always accept the truth and facts with love and gratitude. I have to. Dwelling on what I cannot change is the old me. I am an old lady now. I have to live like I AM in a cabin in the woods and I need to FEEL what real solitude and seclusion feels like. 

And start getting ready for my gardens! 

January 13, 2020

This weekend was wonderful! I have been living like I am in a cabin in the woods. I have been dragging in firewood and having the most wonderful fires in the fireplace. I asked myself a long time ago, why do I go camping or reserve cabins? The main reason was - campfires. Now I have my own!! Nature of course too and getting away from it all. 

So I been having nice fires, and reading in my sitspot. I made chili for the weekend and a Kale Caesar salad. I even took a nice nap on the rug in front of the fireplace. 

I also started my Project Feeder watch. My bird count days are Saturday mornings as I drink my coffee. Looking out at my back yard. 

I know you think I'm pretty

                                                          

This simple weekend just made my soul so happy. This is exactly the life I want to live in retirement. Doing absolutely ...... nothing. 

January 6, 2020

Happy New Year! What a whirlwind it has been! I got out on a First Hike New Years day at DeVeaux State Park in Niagara Falls. Cold but nice to be outdoors. 

So I have a note to myself to Live like I AM in a cabin in the woods. That is of course a dream but I don't plan on selling and moving, so I need to live like I already am. Part of that was fixing my wood burning fireplace to be able to have fires again. I did get a free estimate 5 years ago when I moved in. The guy gave me some mumbo jumbo and 3000$ estimate. So I was prepared when I got my chimney inspection Jan 2,  The inspection was 210$ and well worth it. Plus it is needed for home insurance. 

I was waiting for the final determination. Guy was very nice. He said:

"ok, you are all set" um yeah, I was told I needed a skin/liner..... "It's already there" 

"So I can have a fire?", "Yep"

Once I got my jaw off the ground, and let go of the 5 years I wasted on mumbo jumbo guy that was probly going to scam me. I called and got a cord of wood delivered next day!!! Yes. Got 2/3 in the garage and I will finish the rest today. 

So on my birthday, it was Saturday, I started a nice fire and it went on until I went to bed probly around 9ish. It was absolutely the most wonderful day for me. I now can live like I am in a cabin in the woods. It just makes my heart sing. The fireplace is just for weekend asthetics. Not for heat or any thing else. It is for my pleasure. Yes it is warm but it doesn't really heat the house. I think I need to get an insert for that. I may look into them but right now I am in heaven!!! 

December 30 2019

Good morning. I think I am manic depressive. I have the symptom where I get a bug in my head and suddenly I am spending HOURS, DAYS, $$$ researching and becoming an overnight expert! 

Now it is raised bed gardening. ( 2022 note this was written before COVID, and life changed for us all, never did get to that garden)

More about me. So I have lived in this house 5 years in October. The first and only house I will ever own. Oh, this is funny, I found it when I was on a Garden Walk!!!! It’s a Craftsmen style home. I saw it and I had my camera with me for the gardens, I took a ton of pics. I looked in the windows. (it was vacant) I took pictures of the yard. It had everything my heart desired. A big front porch. A deck and Sunroom in the back and a wood fireplace and it was a Craftsman. The stars aligned and with much labor pains it was mine. It is a double lot and there was a chain link fence which I replaced in 2018 with wood for much more privacy. I literally sit on my porch or deck or sunroom or even my sitspot in the kitchen and watch all my birds and squirrels for hours. My retirement plans are to just sit and sip coffee and gaze out the window. I am considered in the City but I have seen a fox twice. I had a possum for 2 years in my garage and shoo-ed a raccoon out of my yard. There are Coopers Hawks that visit my yard frequently.  I do know of deer and wild turkey that go a couple streets over. 

So now that I am ensconced with my love affair with this home and yard. I think it is time to enhance. I have not ever had a green thumb. But I am good at research and I know it’s not new but a quote I heard a few months ago stuck with me. You just have to take the time.  I will be retiring soon. I am also on this minimalist, frugal, no spending kick and what better way to take care of myself and save money than to have my own vegetable garden. So I need to be frugal, spend smart and not get carried away. I have many ideas to do things to SAVE money. I will share those ideas here! 

January will be here in a few days.  The month gardeners pour over seed catalogs and plan and dream. Come on this adventure with me! I will share everything I can, what I learn. I am so excited for what is to come in 2020!